Maybe it was Ours
May 3, 2008
was it your heartbeat or mine
who’s syncopated rhythm
pressed out or in
against me.
this cafe nior
plot line is classic
black and white romance,
soft curls and long lashes
as I dance across the
wet gravel
in some floor length gown
in a shocking Technicolor tone
as I race to meet you
in this twilight
someday the bright lights
will wash out the sunsets.
I like this a lot. The imagery in the beginning is very strong, but I think that it gets weaker towards the end. It would be cool if you expanded on this, adding a couple more stanzas. “syncopated rhythm/pressed out or in/against me.” is my favorite. Though I do think that when you get to “black and white romance” you’re heading towards the cliche.
Expand! See what happens!